Clarity is the most important thing. I can compare clarity to pruning in gardening. You know, you need to be clear. If you are not clear, nothing is going to happen. You have to be clear. Then you have to be confident about your vision. And after that, you just have to put a lot of work in.
Diane von Furstenberg
Clarity is the difference between success or failure in divorce decisions about property, parenting, and even about the process of how to go through divorce.
Clarity is what helps you to define what needs to happen – while confusion will bring uncertainty, inaction and worse – resignation to “whatever”. And lack of clarity interferes with your ability to be confident about your vision and to deal with the obstacles you will inevitably encounter with determination and commitment.
The 5 steps below will help you to get clear about the options you are considering in your divorce decisions – just try them out for an important decision you are about to make if you don’t believe me!
1. Pick a decision outcome – and mentally walk down that path. What resources do you need to arrive at that outcome successfully? What additional information might you need? What obstacles might you encounter? What will you need to deal with those obstacles? You may discover that you have exactly what you need. Or you will get clear about what additional resources you need; or you may determine that there are other options to consider before going much further in this direction.
2. Seek expert perspective. Who else do you know who has gone down this path? Who do you know that is familiar with how these things normally go? What information do you need and who will you get it from? Being educated and reality testing your decisions helps you to gain the courage and commitment for the long haul.
3. Rely on what has helped you be successful in meeting other challenges. Ask yourself what experiences have you had in the past where your energy was drained by the enormity of the task ahead? What did you do to keep moving forward? Where did you get additional reserves of energy or the ability to bounce back? Are you relying on those strengths now? Are you taking care of your mind, body, and spirit during this process? Where do you need to focus your attention right now in order to build your resilience?
4. Be true to you when you are at your best – whether that is best parent, best leader, best protector, best captain! Whenever you are in conflict or not being true to your best self, conflict and confusion can turn into blaming and justifying. Aligning with your best self and moving forward confidently towards what you know is best for you and your family brings clarity, confidence, and courage for the direction you need to be taking.
5. Take the first step. There is always confusion while you are uncertain about which step to take. But one step, in the right direction, can bring instant clarity about what the next step is. And what the step after that is. And soon, step by step, you are making great progress and are gaining confidence in the direction you are heading!
You do not have to do this alone! The divorce journey is one that is full of uncertainty. Finding a sounding board and thinking partner who can walk down the path with you and ask you the questions you might not want to ask yourself is a good resource to find! We often call this person a divorce coach – someone who can help you through the rough spots in your divorce and help you to clarify the vision for your next chapter.
Did you do the work and follow these steps?
What did you discover about your decision?