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Article by: India Kern

Sometimes an “unthinkable” event is a needed intervention. It’s the unpleasant wake-up call that can make you a better person if you’re willing to redirect your life, but it’s the “redirecting” of life that is the challenge.

We resist change, we dig our heels in, and we don’t want to budge. Then we get stuck in our suffering. Right about the time when we see things aren’t working, we hesitantly admit something has to change. With change comes the fear of losing more. We work in patterns, and a life transition like divorce or job loss is a break in our pattern. It doesn’t feel secure, but you must leave something behind to pick up something new.

You may be thinking, I already lost my marriage, what else do I have to give up? Or I lost my job, now what?

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward” (C.S. Lewis).


What do you need to let go of?


Did you know that your brain will answer any question you ask yourself? Go ahead ask yourself, what do I need to let go of? Is it letting go of the idea that life didn’t turn out as you expected? Or maybe you’re wrestling with no longer identifying as the person you were before the unwanted event occurred.

What if you let go of these ideas that you have been holding onto? What benefits might you receive from letting go?

My applecart was dramatically overturned, “Telemundo” style, but I became a better person as a result. It was not overnight. It was a process, and I had to actively seek to heal, grow and learn the lesson. I can honestly say, divorce made me better.


Before divorce, I was living an incongruent life, and the abrupt record scratch in life whipped me into shape.

I wrestled with questions, like “Were those years of marriage meaningless?” which tapped into deeper questions like, “Who am I? What do I stand for and what is my purpose?”

I had a true identity crisis, and I was suffering.

I felt rudderless, aimless, like a rolling tumbleweed. How could I expect to get what I wanted if I could not articulate what that EVEN looked like? My identity had been rocked, and I had to rebuild.

Clearly, I was suffering. And I didn’t know how to fix it. According to Jordan Peterson, the antidote to suffering is quite simple,

“You must create a meaningful life.”

Notice this statement requires ACTION. YOU. MUST. CREATE.

A meaningful life doesn’t happen by accident. Don’t leave it up to fate to write your destiny because fate is a terrible writer. You must plan it out.


Start with these 6 steps to create a meaningful life:


  1. Define your core values. They serve as a roadmap to life, helping you with major life decisions from career paths to your future partner.
  2. Identify what you intend to create. Five years from now what do you want your life to look like?
  3. Serve others. Volunteering makes you grateful for the life you have. “With a grateful heart, there’s no room for an anxious mind.”
  4. Build confidence by starting small. The simple practice of setting a goal and following through is helping you identify what needs to change in your life. This practice will spill over to the bigger issues that need to be addressed. Start small, clean your room. Make your bed. Organize your pantry.
  5. Create purpose. If you were to ask your friends, “Why are you friends with me?” What would they say? Their responses will give you insight into your talents, gifts and purpose.
  6. Find a spiritual practice that works for you. How grim life would be if we felt that we had to do everything on our own? Connect with your source, whatever that looks like – church, meditation, prayer or surfing. It’s grounding and it lets you know that you are not alone in this life.

My name is India Kern, and I am a certified divorce coach who specializes in working with people caught off guard by divorce. I help them feel confident, find a sense of security and be happy again. No matter what, you have a choice – to either “get bitter” or “get better,” I help you get better.




India Kern, CDC®

Certified Divorce Coach • Author • Podcaster • Speaker

Written by Author and Certified Divorce Coach India Kern. India specializes in working with people caught off guard by divorce. She helps them build confidence, find a sense of security and be happy again. Located in La Jolla, CA, India provides one-on-one coaching in person or by teleconference.

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