We all agree that avoiding pain is a strong motivator behind the decisions we make. It’s sometimes easier to talk about what you don’t want (in a contract, agreement, job, marriage, and divorce). The focus on what you don’t want puts you in a frame of mind and habit of thinking that is very REACTIVE. When we are reacting, we are often operating from our survival instincts (good to have) and therefore from our reptilian brain. We are quick to react and to avoid.

Creating what we DO want requires us to use a different part of the brain and different thinking. Creating what we want is designed to stimulate our creativity and to engage serendipity and synchronicity as our partners. When I talk about the creative process, I am talking about taking charge and being the creator of what you want, rather than waiting for someone or some circumstance to tell you what is next for you. In this process of being the creator of our life and of our future, we are empowered to make the choices that are right for us.

We always have a choice – be tossed about by circumstances and uncertainty, and take the best we can get; or be intentional in our choices about where we want to go and how we want to be seen as we live our life.


The choice to be creating what we want requires that we
focus on what we want and not on what we don’t want.

We’ve all heard people telling stories about their terrible divorce and horrible circumstances; the losses, the unfairness, and just generally how awful it is. I always wonder if that is really where the story teller wants to live! Those who respond by providing sympathy, reinforcement and validation that the circumstances have conspired to make this person the victim are not helping that person to move forward. Those who respond with curiosity about how they want their life to be and what they see as the next step are providing the valuable support we often call coaching, helping them to tap into their passion, go for their dreams, and identify the pathway for getting from here to there.

This is where a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® becomes so important. They are your thinking partner, and they’re trained to help you shift your thinking towards what you can actually do to move forward. They understand and recognize that this is the “poor me”, the “ain’t it awful” thinking that will only attract more of the same.  Instead they help you turn your focus to what you want, what is possible, and who you will be when you take your power and create the life you know is consistent with who you are.




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