You may have agreed, or even initiated, the divorce, but how can it not sting when your ex moves on faster than you? No matter what residual feelings you may have for him, it will always be difficult to come to terms with him meeting someone new. If he goes as far as to move in with her or have a new baby before the divorce is even finalised, it can be downright horrible.

As humans, we are naturally programmed to compete to survive. It is no surprise, therefore, that we all have tendency to compare our own post-separation progress with that of our ex. It can be very tempting to check their social media profile or to try to gather information about them from joint friends or from your children. But the reality is that your ex’s ability to move on has nothing to do with your own. Importantly as well, remember that he will also be feeling sensitive about this point and might be putting on a bit of a show to demonstrate that he is over you.

Either way, people are often at a loss when it comes to dealing with open signs of their ex moving on faster, such as them moving in with their new partner. The first and foremost priority, if you have children, is to manage the messaging to them. The introduction of a new person soon after the separation can be very difficult for them to understand. Many children harbour a hope that their parents will get back together at some point and might only fully process the impact of the separation once a new person enters the picture.

It is essential that the parents manage the new situation together and work through the details of how, when and what they are going to tell their children to explain the new cohabitation arrangements. Working as a team will help make the children more comfortable with the situation and alleviate the feeling that they have to take sides.

The key is to ensure that your children are ready to deal with this new situation. In most cases, the move will imply that the children now have to cohabitate with the new partner at least part of the time, when they are in their father’s care. He will have ideally introduced the new partner gradually before the move-in happens to help the children warm up to her and feel comfortable in her presence. These are the types of conversations the parents should aim to have among themselves ahead of making important decisions that will affect their children, and ahead of discussing the news with them.

But, aside from the children, this new development will likely be very hurtful to you as well. How do you wrap your brain around the fact that your husband has moved on so quickly? Remember that it says a lot more about where they are in their life than it does about you or your marriage. It can be tempting to talk to yourself negatively and question why you were so easily replaceable, or whether he was truly that unhappy in your marriage. You may ask yourself if you are unlovable or what is wrong with you for not feeling ready to move on to a new relationship yet. STOP! None of these thoughts are going to be helpful in any way.

This is a time to be looking towards the future. What do you want your future to look like? This is a decision that you must make independently of the choices your soon-to-be-ex-husband is making. This isn’t a competition or a race. Your lives are about to be disentangled and your decisions are now purely yours.

So, take the time to think about what you want for yourself. Is there an hobby you’d always dreamed on doing? Do you want to move to the countryside as you always wanted? Is this a good time for that big career move? Whatever your dreams are made of, you now have a unique opportunity to pursue them. So stop thinking about your ex and the choices he is making and start making your own. Your children will always benefit from having two happy, fulfilled parents. And wasn’t that the whole point of getting divorced anyway? Getting a new chance at happiness?

 

 

Chloe O., The Divorce and Separation Coach

As a CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, I am trained to be non-judgmental and empathetic. My objective is to help you set clear divorce goals and to support you in making decisions based on your desired outcomes. This will allow you to reduce conflict, improve your negotiation and communication skills with your spouse, and come out of the process in a stronger position, ready to start a new chapter of your life.

 

CDC Certified Divorce Coach® Directory Listing – https://divorcesupporthelp.com/find-a-divorce-coach/listing/chloe-o/

Visit my website to read my other articles:  https://www.thedivorceandseparationcoach.com/

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Share This